Resistance

Have you ever heard of this thing called resistance?  It's where you have to do something, but every time you think of doing that something you suddenly feel like doing something--anything--else.  For example, every time you think of cleaning your desk you have an irresistible urge to check your email.  Or, in my case, every time I think of doing my AP Stats homework I suddenly get waves of exhaustion and feel the urge to take a nap (lol).

Ugh.  I have AP Stats homework, a computer sci. assignment, a painting, and a paper I have to write.  Frankly I don't really feel like doing ANY of those things.  *Pause* Well, the paper actually sounds like fun because I chose my own topic and everything.  But the paper is the only thing I feel willing to do right now.

Perhaps I would feel more motivated to do my homework if I actually got a break afterwards.  But of course that's not the case.  After I slave for hours finishing AP Stats, then I get to write my supplemental essay for my safety college.  And THEN I have to study for my Japanese final (apparently the teacher is making us actually WRITE kanji on the final, which is completely absurd since we didn't even study that.  All we practiced was RECOGNIZING kanji...we literally practiced writing them a full 20 minutes this semester.  That's including homework.  And we're supposed to memorize each 12-16 specific strokes for 50 different kanji in less than 2 weeks?  Seriously?  No offense but why wasn't I told this earlier so I could have been STUDYING in advance and not having to cram for the next two weeks?)  And after I finish studying kanji, then I have to write two more essay supplements, come up with a song that describes me (why is that even a question on the college application?  Does my admission decision depend on the song?  I seriously think that it might.), wash my clothes, send in fee waiver requests, complete some college forms, work on my flute music for my art supplement, etc.  Frankly I am not looking forward to any of this.

Actually I find it rather odd.  I mean, on a normal basis I totally thrive on work.  I'm pretty much an ergomaniac.  If I'm not working constantly I feel depressed.  So why don't I want to do any of this stuff?  I think it might be because, after I finish my homework, I have to get around to the college stuff.

It's weird; anytime I do something concerning my college application I either:
(a) Don't want to
(b) Feel depressed after I complete it
(c) Experience resistance
(d) All of the above

Do you know after I submitted my first college app I felt depressed?  That's right, depressed!  I submitted my college app and supplements, and then I decided to play games the rest of the night in order to distract myself from my futile existence.  Is that weird of what?  You'd think I'd be feeling a sense of accomplishment, like, "Yay!  I finally submitted it!"  But instead I just get an overwhelming feeling of depressment.

Is it a fear of rejection?  Probably.  You see, my nightmares used to consist of being brutally murdered or chased down a never ending hallway.  Now my nightmares consist of me not getting accepted at any colleges.  Despite how much effort I put into my application, in the end it is completely out of my hands.  It's terrifying; my life, future, and entire fate lie in the hands of a total stranger who crushes people's dreams for a living.  If that's not scary, nothing is.

*Ahem*  But...despite this...I WILL OVERCOME!!!  You heard correctly, I will heroically OVERCOME the fear and resistance that comes with college apps!!!  Bah, I refuse, REFUSE to be defeated by a mere piece of electronic paper.  No longer will I let this college app loom over my head like a dark cloud.  No more will I let the dark cloud of nothingness (aka the fear of college rejection) swallow me and feed off my fear like a parasite.  Bwahahaha this college stuff doesn't stand a chance against my unwavering motivation to persevere!  Yep, that's my moto: HARD WORK!  PERSEVERANCE!  DILIGENCE!  *does an anime spin while saying this*