Accepted at Willamette!!!!!!!!!

I WAS ACCEPTED AT WILLAMETTE!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't gotten my decision letter yet, so I just called up Willamette again to get the exact date that it was mailed (I wasn't sure if they said Friday 12/07 or Tuesday 12/11 last time I called), and they told me Tuesday.  Then I said, "Oh, okay.  And you're not allowed to tell me my admission decision, right?"  But the lady I was talking to said, "Well, we're not, but I could transfer you to an admissions counselor and they might be able to tell you."  Obviously I jumped at this chance, so I talked to an admissions counselor and by some total miracle I was ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!  And I was like, "N-no way.  Seriously?"  And she said, "Yes, you have been accepted."

This resulted in excessive screaming, cheering, and dancing on my part.  *VICTORY DANCE!*  Willamette was like, second choice on my "realistic list" (does not take into consideration schools like Smith or Scripps or others that are on par with Ivy; those are on "reach list"), so I'm totally PSYCHED!!!!!!!  I have no idea how the hell I got accepted; I was really worried about it because all the people on CC that got accepted this year had a phenomenal GPA.  Like 3.8 UW and 30+ ACT to top.  In fact, when the counselor told me I was accepted, I asked if they had made a mistake since my GPA was so low.  Apparently, even if they made a mistake, they have to accept me anyway .  *Another victory dance*

Maybe my official acceptance letter will provide some clues when I get it, but for right now I'm just really happy that I was accepted!

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ED II for Smith!

So after a lot of consideration, I decided to apply ED II to Smith.
 

My pixie cut is currently in an awkward growing out stage -_-"

I spent a lot of time thinking about this!  Like, 15 minutes...but seriously, that's like a century for me!  (The longest I can concentrate on any one thing is 20 minutes tops.)

So I was just sitting at my computer one night, and I suddenly thought, "Hey, I should apply ED II to Smith!"  I was a bit wary because I haven't visited and, you know, I hate commitment and stuff.  But then I read this post on College Confidential that said, "Would you marry someone you'd never met, but only corresponded with, whose picture you saw?"  YES, I WOULD TOTALLY DO THAT!!!!!!!!!  Hence I am now applying ED II for Smith.

As of today, everyone has everything is signed and submitted, so no backing out!

LOL, I'm really excited, but have my fingers crossed that this really was a good idea and not one of those impulsive decisions that actually wasn't a good idea.  (See here.)

Applying ED has given me this sudden burst of motivation.  It's weird, because I know it's nearly impossible for me to get accepted.  I got rejected last year.  The lady at admissions told me it's highly unlikely that I'll get accepted this time.  So why am I even bothering?  I have no idea!  It's like I'm setting myself up for failure, but instead of feeling depressed like I normally would, I feel totally exhilarated!  When I work on my art portfolio now, I actually feel excited instead of the sense of dismalness I was experiencing before.

Conclusion: I've snapped, lol.  Instead of seeing my entire future hanging in the balance, now I just think, "Alright, Smith, do your worst!"  It's like I'm expecting to fail so much that the pressure of succeeding has been lifted for once in my life.

This year, I'm going all out.  I explained extenuating circumstances in my application (something that I wish I had done last year).  I put down better extracurriculars.  I'm submitting an art portfolio and creative writing samples.  Because if Smith is going to reject me again, this time it BETTER be worth it!

Don't get me wrong, even though I'm expecting rejection, I have every intention of going to Smith if I'm accepted.  Smith is my dream school.  It was basically tied with Wellesley last year and was bumped to first choice after Wellesley's completely unsympathetic EE letter.

Do I love Smith?  Do I think I would be a great fit there?  Yes, and yes.  On the other hand, I doubt that I will get accepted merely because my GPA isn't that great and I didn't take many AP classes, and one of my AP classes I failed.  And although all this was all explained in my application, like the lady from admissions said, "It doesn't change the fact that you did get that GPA and you didn't take those APs."

Still, no matter how I look at it, ED is a win-win for me!  ED improves my chances for admission, even if only a little, because I'm competing against a smaller number of applicants.  Combined with my new improved polished application, it might be enough to get me accepted.  So if by some miracle I do get that acceptance letter (estimating that to be a 10%-15% chance), WOO-HOO I SHALL BE DOING MY VICTORY DANCE IN JANUARY!!!!!!!  And if I get rejected, hey, at least I'll know by the end of January so I can move on with my life and don't have until April to get my hopes up. 

Yes, my chances are slim, but here's to hoping I get accepted!  :)  *Ahem* "May the odds be ever in my favor!"  lol

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Some Great Ideas That, in Retrospect, Really Weren't

This is just a quick post, but someday I hope to illustrate this.  You know, when I'm no longer super stressed about Art Portfolio.

Some Great Ideas That, in Retrospect, Really Weren't
1. Watching an R-rated movie at 13.  (At 18 I've obviously watched numerous R-rated films.  This one was and still is the most disturbing movie I've ever watched.)
2. Continuing to go out with Ex-BF simply to irritate Rival because she had slept with him behind my back.  And then I ended up falling for Ex-BF...STUUUUUPID!!!!!!!!!
3. Riding my bike to the library at sunset, without telling anyone where I was going (and almost got lost/abducted/killed in the process).
4.  Deciding to revolve my life around Ex-BF as we would most definitely be getting married in the near future (that is, until we broke up).
5. Getting a pixie cut.  Because now, everyone on the entire planet seems to think I'm a guy.  "Excuse me, sir."  "Sorry, sir."  "Could you get that for me, mister?"  And those are some of the nicer comments.  I've also gotten, "You look like a guy," and, "Wow, you look like my ex-boyfriend!"  I'M NOT A GUY, DAMMIT!!!!!  What do I have to do, wear a sexy nurse outfit or something!?!?!?  (With my luck, they'd probably think I was a cross dressing guy.  Somehow, that's not any better.)
6.  Pulling my safety schools out of a hat senior year.
7. Stretching my gum and having it pop back up like that girl in Willy Wonka.  At 9 I practiced* this numerous times in the mirror until I ended up getting gum in my hair, which resulted in my hair having to be cut and my remaining hair smelling like peanut butter and tree oil for a week.
8. Clicking anything online that said 18+...because at 14, that really meant, "Click me now!"
9. Discovering torrents, then downloading them without any virus or maleware protection.
10. Trying to make a small explosion at 15 with the chemicals I got in my school science kit.  (It didn't work...and as to why this wasn't a good idea, I had dangerous stuff, like acid, in that kit.)



Admittedly, some of my ideas could have worked out better.  But in my defense, I've had plenty of awesome ideas!  Like starting this blog!  Or randomly asking for the autograph of this guy I didn't even know, but he looked like John Lennon!  (I still have that autograph hanging on my wall.)  Because despite my craziness, everything typically works out for the best :)


*When I was younger, my parents would often say that I was a "drama queen" and "acted too over the top."  I thought this meant, "You're a great  actor," and consequently spent a lot of time "practicing" my acting abilities.  Mainly "practicing" consisted of me mimicing people I saw on TV.  I was positive I would be at Hollywood someday, lol.

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A Terrible Nagging

Lately, I've been very worried about my Willamette decision.

Yeah, yeah, the date I'm supposed to get a decision is "on or before December 15."  Thing is, last year people on College Confidential started getting theirs on November 20.  SO WHY'S IT TAKING SO LONG!?!?!?!?

On Friday I called the admissions office because I was so worried.  All they did was tell me (again) that I would get a decision "on or before December 15," and that they have so many applicants this year, and they apologize for the wait, and no the long wait does not mean I was rejected.

I'm usually very optimistic about how everything will just "work out," but as December 15th comes closer and closer, I just keep getting more nervous.  Every time I get the mail, I think, "What's taking them so long?  Could the reason be that I wasn't an appealing applicant, so the person reading my application put it on hold for someone else to look at and now...now I'm going to be REJECTED!?!?!?  OH MY GAWD, WHAT IF IT HAPPENS JUST LIKE LAST YEAR!?!?!?"  *panic panic panic*

-_-" Yeah, I know I'm totally overreacting here.  I really hope I get my decision soon so I can stop worrying.  For me, the fear of failure is almost as bad as the real thing, so right now it's like I'm living through a college rejection EVERY SINGLE DAY.

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"What Song Describes You and Why?"

This is one of my many, many essay supplement prompts.  I have no idea what to write, but right now I'm burnt out and feel like being funny so here's a blog post about it.

Gangnam Style (Psy): Because I can do also do a cool dance and plan on becoming rich and popular in the very near future!

Charlene, I'm Right Behind You (Stephen Colbert): It expresses my UNDYING LOVE for your college.

Devil in Disguise (Elvis): Oh yeah, I look nice on my college application, but you have no idea what I'm REALLY like >:) 

I Can Take Off My Panties! (Kagamine Rin): LOL, I wonder how the college would react if I put this down.

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The Problem with Deadlines

When it comes to deadlines, there are two main problems:
1. I procrastinate
2. I forget

I'm currently experiencing the second problem.

Actually, at first it was the first problem, but somehow it developed into the second.

Exactly how did this happen?  Well, for starters, I wasn't sure whether or not I was applying to Kalamazoo because it was unclear if they had a drawing specialization.  In fact, for the majority of the month, I was too lazy to even send an email.  In my defense, I'm typically I'm not this lazy.  I was being so because my to-do list for this month is absolutely crazy.  Within the next six weeks, I need to write 18 essays, finish my art portfolio, get a recommendation letter for my art portfolio, write statements of interest, get interviews done, email about interviews so I can get them done, inquire about application fee waivers, follow up on questions I had emailed colleges...and that was just the beginning.  There was also email to be sorted, laundry to be washed, appointments to be rescheduled...

Just looking at it made me feel worn out.  What was I, Superwoman?  So in conclusion, I felt too overwhelmed to do any of it and spent the majority of time goofing off -_-"  Getting a minor case of the flu, then a stomach bug, also encouraged this.

By Wednesday, I realized the month was almost halfway over and decided that it might be a good idea to start working on some things.  And suddenly BOOM!  I WAS SUCCESSFUL!  By some total miracle I managed to complete almost half my to-do list.  Was it pure motivation?  The 4th medication the doctor tried me on for focus issues?  Divine intervention?  Honestly, who cared!  It was DONE!!!!!

On Thursday I managed to accomplish a few more things.  And by Friday I thought, "Wow, I've been so productive lately, I'm going to take today off!"  Then I spent the entire day drawing and playing Just Dance 2.

Big mistake, because I neglected to fully read my emails.  Meaning I missed the one about the drawing specialiazation, which I didn't really look at until today.  Technically speaking I could do one, so yay!  The required supplemental essays were on my checklist, so no problem there.

Know what wasn't on my checklist?

The art portfolio deadline for Kalamazoo.

So it wasn't until I looked at the website today that I realized the deadline in November 20th.  Now I'm trying really, really hard to complete everything, which is difficult because a lot of stuff isn't done yet.  Yes, even though I spent a good portion of yesterday drawing, that was all "fun" stuff, not "art portfolio" stuff.  Obviously I can't send colleges something like, "I was working so hard on your application that I thought my brain would explode!  Here's a graphic comic strip I did on it!"

Yeah, I'm sure that would roll over really well with admissions. <--being sarcastic

*Sigh* I bet this is how mangaka feel.  Except they have an advantage over me, because they can draw really well and also have assistants.  Lucky.

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Mental Karoshi

Obviously my brain has never really exploded, but only because I take a break once I start getting irritated and fidgety.  Typically I have a killer headache by then.  If I kept working past that point, I'm sure this would totally happen!

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Cherry Pie: The Answer to All of Life's Miseries

I originally drew this about a week after Ex-BF moved.  I was finally able to finish it once I got my Copic multiliners.  Please don't be too hard on me; this is the first thing I drew with Copic multiliners.

A bit of background on this: the last time I had cherry pie was July 4th, 2008.  Ex-BF spent that entire day at my house.  When he came over, my mom was making homemade cherry pie and had red stains all underneath her fingernails.  She jokingly told him that she had just killed someone; unfortunately, Ex-BF doesn't get jokes, so my mom freaked him out lol.  Every time I see, eat, or think of cherry pie, this is the first thing that comes to mind.

Anyway, after Ex-BF moved, I was incredibly depressed.  One night I went grocery shopping with my mom in hopes of getting my mind off it.  As luck would have it, cherry pies were on display in the bakery section.

That's right, during an impulsive act of misery, I decided that's buying and and trying to eat an entire cherry pie in one sitting would someone magically cure my sadness.  And it did...because it turns out that it's difficult to cry while simultaneously trying not to hurl everywhere, lol.

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ACT Scores: I am a FREAKING GENIUS

Ohhhh my god, I just got my ACT scores back.

35 in English.

*Screams and jumps up and down while shaking hands* Oh my GAWD I am so freaking AWESOME!!!!!!!  I've never scored that high before, not even on a practice test!  I'm totally psyched right now.  It is safe to say that I am a total genius ^^

Typically I don't score too well on Reading because I zone out.  This time I got a 31, beating my personal best of 27 and my previous score of 24 (this was my third time taking the ACT).

Math, of course, I did terribly on and only got a 23.
1st time: 19
2nd time: 25 

I did REALLY bad in Science (19) because the stupid proctor chipped us out of 5 minutes :P  I filed a complaint along with some other people, but hey, there's NO WAY IN HELL I'd forsake that English score to retake!
1st time: 26
2nd time: 21

This leaves me with a Composite Score of 27 this time, which is really only one point better than my previous scores of 26.  However, please note that it's only because of science that my score didn't improve more.  (Damn science...superscored I have a CS of 29.)

I'll be submitting these ACT scores and the ones from my first time to colleges (second time I was having a terrible day, mentally, and fizzled out after the math portion).  My first scores will show the admissions office that I'm not an idiot when it comes to science.  It will also show my improvement, making my geniusness all the more concrete ^^

Btw, I believe only 1% of people score 34 or higher on any portion of the ACT.  So since I got a 35, this would mean that less than 1% of people scored at or higher than me.

Yes, yes, I know some people get a 35 Composite Score.  Still, I've never been the best at, well, anything.  Now I'm suddenly part of an elite group of English 1 percent-ers!

I feel happy ^^

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The Red String of Fate

I've never believed in soul mates.

To be perfectly honest, I don't really believe in "love" either.  From a young age, we're all brainwashed by fairytales and whatnot that our "soul mate" is out there, and that someday we're going to marry that person and live happily ever after like a princess.

For the suckers who actually believe this, are you aware that the divorce rate in the US is close to 50%?

That being said, how can you believe in things like "love" and "soul mates"?

I know I must sound like a real downer.  I never plan on getting married.  I consider love to be a temporary mental illness.  No, I am not a typical "hopeless romantic" Cancer (seriously, my sign doesn't fit me at all :P).

But even though I don't believe in it, doesn't mean I haven't wondered about it.  I've often wondered about soul mates and the whole "red string of fate" thing.

Like, what happens if the person you're destined to be with dies?  Technically speaking, this should mean that any love you have won't work out, because the person you were destined to be with died.  Any person you end up with instead is destined to be with another person.

Unless, of course, both Person 1 and Person 2's respective soul mates died.  And if this happened, would they be able to find happiness with each other, or would neither be able to find happiness in love?

Or what if the person you're supposed to be with is on the other side of the planet in a country you've never heard of?  Would "fate" make sure they ended up together?  Or would they die without ever knowing each other?

What if you don't meet your soul mate until after you've already married someone else?  Would that give you permission to cheat on your spouse?

Or what if your soul mate is half your age or something?  In that case, would consensual teacher-student scandals be okay?

What about reincarnation?  Are people's souls tied together, surpassing the impermanence of life?  Or are you destined to a new person every time you're reborn?

That being said, if your soul mate dies, will the string reattach to another person who's soul mate has also died?  Will it still remain attached your soul mate's soul?  In that case, will you not find your soul mate in that life (because, you know, he/she is dead) and hopefully will find him/her in the next life?


Like I said, I don't believe in things like love and soul mates.  But sometimes when I think about this, I can't help but wonder if it's true.  I can't help but think about the guy I knew from a long, long time ago, who's name I can't even remember.  Sometimes, to my embarrassment, I'll even squint at my pinky fingers really, really hard in hopes of seeing the red string of fate.  (To no avail, of course.)  Because even though deep down I know these things don't exist, sometimes I can't help but want them to be real.

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Loneliness

Since Ex-BF has left, I've been a total wreck.  True, Ex-BF and I really weren't that close after we broke up.  But I always knew I could talk to him or hang out with him if I needed someone.  Even if he ignored all my calls and emails, if worst came to worse I would just show up on his doorstep ^w^  Now that he's gone I don't have anyone.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit that my only friend was the egocentric idiot who broke up with me on the most important day of the year and ruined my life.  (Confession: I have no social life.  The last time I went out to an event to meet new people was when I was 12 and joined writing club.)

This is for three reasons:
1. Throughout high school I had pretty severe social anxiety, so I never got out much.
2. I don't really know how to make friends.  I hate that there's no real set formula.  It's confusing.  I can totally relate to that anime Boku wa Tomadachi ga Sukinai. 
3. I'm going to college next year, so it seems meaningless to pour countless hours into making new friends when I'll be leaving in less than a year.

In conclusion, I've been incredibly lonely.  Moreover, it's nearly impossible for me to relax.  I'm super high strung 24/7, so Ex-BF's laid back, carefree personality was almost therapeutic.

Therefore, to solve both my loneliness and workaholic-ness, I'm considering getting a couple male rats.

Two because I heard rats are better off in pairs.  They're supposedly friendly, intelligent, easy to care for, and loyal.  Male rats are supposed to be lazier and like to cuddle more, and cuddling totally helps me to relax!  Oh yeah, and you can teach them tricks.  Basically they're described as a low-maintenance dog.

The problem: a lot of the colleges I'm applying to don't allow pets of any kind.  Which totally sucks; I highly believe that having a pet would better help me adjust to the whole college thing.  But unless I get accepted at a college that allows pets and decide that I most definitely want to go there, no questions asked, I guess I won't be getting rats anytime in the near future.

Grrr...stupid rules!  Colleges treat you like a little kid.  You can't have pets.  You have to take all these stupid gen. ed. requirements to graduate.  You have to live on campus.  Now that I'm 18, I assumed I could make my own decisions.  But apparently not...I just moved from having my parents control my life to having the college control my life.  It irritates me!

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My Fatal Flaw

I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I recently changed my screen name to Kiyatora.  (This roughly translates into "spirit of the night tiger.")  Anyway, you might be wondering why I randomly changed my username.

Well, a month or so ago I googled my previous screen name just to see what came up.  Apparently 3,760 results: bands, Youtube videos...the most noticeable one was the blog name of a digital artist (not me, btw).  I wasn't even listed anywhere on the first three pages.  And here I thought my screen name was so original...seriously, I spent a really long time trying to brainstorm that name!

On the other hand, when I googled my rival's username that she uses for, well, EVERYTHING, guess how many results there were?  87,200 results.  But they were all from her.

Well, at least all the results of the first 5 pages were.  I didn't get any further than that because at that point I got super irritated and thought, "Bah, how DARE my arch rival be more creative than me!?!?!?"

For the 13,000,000th time I thought to myself, "Seriously, does she do these things on purpose?  Yeah, she acts all ignorant and innocent and cute...but...IT'S GOT TO BE AN ACT!!!!!!  Obviously she's just trying to get me to lower my guard!  Bah, she's totally trying to steal my boyfriend!!!!"  <--(Has temporarily forgotten that Ex-BF and I are no longer going out.  Am also ignorant to the fact that she does not know my username.)  At this point I picture Rival chuckling evilly.  "Well, I'll show her!  Whatever she can do, I can do better!"

Hence I spent over a month trying to come up with a name that was more original than hers.

One of the reasons it took me so long was because every time I tried to think of something, I was suddenly overwhelmed with self doubt.  The more I thought about it, the more unlikely my original theory seemed.  Maybe she wasn't even trying to beat me.  There's nothing worse than trying super hard to outdo your rival, only to have that person outdo you without even trying.

This thought caused severe self doubt in not only my creativity but my entire worth as a human being.  Apparently Rival has something that I do not, because Ex-BF likes her more than me, based upon the fact that he was sleeping with her behind my back.  Unfortunately, I have no idea what that something is.  I began to wonder if it was impossible to gain whatever it was that she has.  So then I'd end up in the corner curled in the fetal position, contemplating my worthlessness.

After a few weeks, I eventually thought, "Bah, I refuse to accept that I can't outdo her!  Anything can be accomplished with enough hard work!  Yes, even if I can't win Ex-BF, I shall win the wonderful game of life!  When I'm super successful someday and admired by everyone, she shall grovel at my feet!  She shall beg for me to honor her with small tasks, such as bringing me my coffee or doing whatever other menial task I assign her!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

I then picture Rival grovelling at my feet sometime in the near future.  For a visual representation, please see 5:40 - 6:09 in the following video.

Yes, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit how far I'll go to outdo someone.  If I was a character in a Greek mythology, competition would probably be the fatal flaw that led to my untimely demise.

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Application COMPLETE!

I've been working on essays and application stuff since right after I finished my previous post.  And I am happy to say that I am finally DONE!!!!!  I submitted my application at 11:35PM.

Go on, please compliment me.  Flourish me with your flattery.  Shower me in your undying admiration.  Moreover, if you're from the Willamette admissions office, please admit me ^w^

Lol, I feel pretty proud of myself right now.  I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I'd be able to get it done.  After I finished my previous post, I was considering settling to apply for Willamette's Early Action II instead.  Then I thought, "Bah, I don't settle!  I refuse to settle for anything!"  That was actually what motivated me to get everything done, haha.

Man, I know it's only been a few hours, but it feels like I've spent an eternity working on those essays.  The first one (about my gap year, it's required that you put something down for that) was mostly done, but needed to be tweaked a little.  I also needed to come up with a conclusion.  My regular college essay was a mess.  I had no intro or concluding paragraph and was digressing and jumping all over the place, so no surprise that it was almost 800 words -_-"  I had to rewrite the entire thing.  I only kept maybe 7 sentences from the original essay.

Around 9:30PM I was mostly done, but I just couldn't stop reading the essays.  Was I sure there were no gramatical errors?  There was no time to show it to anyone.  Besides, it was kind of personal.  Then I thought, "OMG what if my essay really sucks!?  Maybe this was a bad idea.  Maybe I should have chosen a different topic altogether!"  But there wasn't any time for that, so I decided that because the subject might actually suck, it was all the more important that the grammar was correct, the essay flowed nicely, and the conclusion was super powerful and earth-shattering!  Despite spending another hour trying to achieve that, I only changed a couple of things.

I'm actually still a little worried about my essay.  I chose the "significant experience" prompt.  My essay topic was on the very thin line of "sob story" and "success story," which was why it took me so long to write.  Every word I chose could push my essay in one direction or the other, so I really had to be careful what I wrote.  I'm hoping that my college essay has the triumphant feel I was aiming for and not a "admit me because you pity me" vibe.  (There's nothing worse than being pitied.)  And if a college doesn't admit me based on my essay, goddamn it it's my significant experience and who are they to say what is and isn't significant!?  That's right, go f#$% yourself!  (I'm trying to boost my confidence in my essay.)

Anyway, after spending an hour obsessing over my essay, I spent the next hour obsessing over my college application.  I'm not sure if anyone else has this, but I get really nervous before submitting my application.  For instance, I'm legally swearing that everything is true.  What if I accidently messed up on something?  That means *eep!* my admission could be revoked!  And after I submit it to one college, I have to submit it to them all because I can't change anything, which only intensifies the above fear.  And then I'm scared that I'll submit the wrong thing.  Like, what if I attach my evil squirrel story instead of my college essay?  So because of the above fears, I keep obsessively clicking on the "Print Preview" button.  And after a while I know everything's correct and stuff, but I can't stop thinking, "What if it's not?"  In conclusion, I changed two things and spent the rest of the hour clicking "Print Preview."    -_-"

But hey, now I'm DONE!  That's right, no more college stuff!  Okay, okay, I still have my supplemental essays to write.  And I still have to complete the applications for colleges that don't use the Common App.  But the hardest part is over now :)  My regular college essays are done.  As for the colleges who don't use the Common App, I can just copy my information from the Common App onto their personal application.  Trust me, after spending an hour staring at that thing like my life depending on it, I'm fairly certain there's no mistakes.

I'm totally basking in my self-glory ^^  Man, this is so much better than the failure feeling I got when I submitted my first application last year.  I may procrastinate, but I do know how to get things done :)  I think I deserve kudos for this!  Scratch that; I think this is worthy of admission to Willamette!  Haha...wish me luck!

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A Lack of Motivation

Today I'm experiencing a complete lack of motivation.

Unfortunately, today is really the worst day possible for a lack of motivation, since my college application is due today and I still have to finish writing my essay -_-"

Good news: I already have the rough draft done.
Bad news: It seriously needs to be polished.  As in the tone needs to be more consistent.  And I need to decrease the amount of words since it's over the 500 word limit.  And I need to come up with a killer concluding paragraph.  Yeah...basically I more or less need to rewrite the entire thing.

The problem is, I can't motivate myself to do so.  Which is kind of a pain, since it's due tonight and I need to submit it ASAP.  *Sigh*  I just know I'm going to be totally stressed if I don't start doing this right now.  Despite this, I still can't motivate myself.

Yes, you have my permission to call me lazy right now.

See, I've been meaning to write my essay all day.  But then I got distracted by vocaloid videos on Youtube.  And then I decided to eat some Halloween candy, which, me being lactose intolerant, made me feel sick.  By the time I was feeling better, I realized the time and was all, "Shit!  I have a Skype college interview in an hour and I'm in my night clothes and haven't even taken a shower yet!"  Then I just managed to be on time for my interview (which went very well, btw).

My interview ended at 2:30PM.  So do you know what I've been doing for the past 2 hours?

Thinking about how I should be writing my essay -_-"

The thing is, if I had spent the past 2 hours writing my essay instead of thinking about writing it, I'd probably be done by now.  (The irony.)

So here I sit, updating my blog, while mentally trying to motivate myself to write my essay.  I've tried numerous approaches, all of which have failed:
Bribing: If you write your essay, you can play WoW.  (But then I just have an urge to play WoW instead of writing my essay.)
Reasoning: If you don't start writing your essay right now, you're going to feel really stressed later.
Threatening: Write your essay right now or else you shall face eternal shame!  (Actually this doesn't make much sense, but somehow it's working better than the previous two.)

Anyway, here's a vocaloid video that totally demonstrates how I'm feeling right now.  Oddly enough this is motivating me more than any of the above approaches.  Hopefully everything works out for me, too :)

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Happy Halloween 2012!!!!!!!!

Let's face it, now that I'm 18 I might not have many trick-or-treating nights left.  That's why my costumes matter more than ever for these next few years!  I've been working really, really hard on my Halloween costume for the past few weeks.  Haha, I finished just in time...I was actually putting the final pieces together earlier today :)

 

 

 

Me as Red Pyramid Head!  (Silent Hill 2 version)

Okay, so the pyramid head might seem a bit too large for my body.  But all in all I think I did a pretty decent job, everything considered.  I mean, I totally winged this!  No pattern or anything :)  I made this out of a couple of giant cardboard boxes.  I put a helmet in the head to give it a bit of a boost, so it didn't look like my body was being swallowed up so much.  After a failed attempt with plaster cloth, I cut two identical swords, glued some wood in between them, and duct taped them together.  Then I spray painted everything!  The apron was made out of an old white tee shirt.  I stained it with black tea to give it the stained, off white appearance.  

You can't see it that well in the picture, but there's actually little blood droplets on the edge of the sword.  Also, please note that I went out in brown loafers, not just socks.

I think I did a pretty good job, don't you?

However, in retrospect it might have been a good idea to make a bigger hole to see out of -_-"  My parents kept saying, "Uh...how are you going to see with that on your head?  You should make two holes, or at least make that hole bigger."  But I was all, "That's NOT the way it works!  I'm Pyramid Head and Pyramid Head doesn't have two holes!  He only has a very tiny hole that a tube like thing comes out of, so if I make the hole bigger it might be too big!"

So in the end my mom ended up having to grab my arm and drag me around trick-or-treating.  Because, you know, I couldn't see -_-"  Do you know how unbalanced and anxious you get after a while, when you're in a cardboard box, and shadows are dancing in the inside of the box, and you can only see darkness out of the one small hole of the box?  It can be pretty bad.  By the time I got home I was dizzy and felt like I was going to collapse with exhaustion.

However, that also might have had something to do with my medication wearing off.  Yeah, apparently the doctor decided to try me on something else.  This was my first day on it, btw.  When it wears off I get super tired.  Imagine that you just ate an entire bag of candy and drank an entire pot of espresso.  Now imagine the crash you would experience if you did that.  That's what it's like.  The doctor encouraged me to experiment with the dosage and especially try lower doses since I'm so uber sensitive to medicine, so tomorrow I plan on splitting the pill in half and seeing how that works.  Maybe I'm just taking too much?

Anyway, I love dressing up!  When I was younger Halloween was more like, "Just give me candy!"  But now that I'm older, I actually care slightly more about my costume than free candy, as shocking as that may sound.  Every year I try to come up with something super original.  I think this year definitely tops!  :)

Halloween Throughout the Ages
2008: Vulcan hippie
2009: Vampire witch
2010: Pirate masquerader
2011: Sleepwalker
2012: Red Pyramid Head

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No More Drawings?

I know I just wrote a post a few months ago about how I would be drawing pictures on my blog.  You're probably wondering why I haven't done any posts this month that contained new drawings.

Don't worry, I have not forgotten!  The truth is my gel pen (that's what I use to make the outlines so dark) stopped working.  This prompted me to buy the Copic multiliners I've been lusting after for months.  Unfortunately, in order to get them on Amazon I first had to get my debit card, which took FOR-EV-ER to come in the mail because the bank messed up the order -_-"

Long story short, my Copic multiliners just came in today, so I'll (hopefully!) be able to draw more pictures from now on ^^

Please don't expect any by the end of the month, though.  I'm super busy trying to finish my Halloween costume and my college essays.  I'm actually trying to weigh between Halloween and college applications right now, because realistically speaking I might not be able to finish both in time.  So...essays or costume?  Halloween or college apps?  An early admission decision or free candy?

I think Halloween's going to win this one, lol.  Can't beat free candy ;)

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Fear

Alright, who hasn't experienced fear?  I'm assuming everyone reading this has indeed experienced it at one time or another.

Right now I feel very fearful, actually.  I'm like on fear overload.


My List of Uber Giant Worries

- The ACT is tomorrow.  Yes, even though I've taken it 2 times before, I'm scared.  How's that for lame?  -_-"

- My EEG scan is on Tuesday.  They explained the procedure to me, which put me at ease at first...then I realized that they said, "turn off the lights."  So does that mean I'm going to be in the pitch dark?  Nnngh, I don't want to be in the dark!  >_<  Furthermore my psychiatrist is having me take this EEG in the first place to test for mini seizures.  That alone is pretty scary.  I mean, he says it's pretty rare and it's just a standard test he does, but still...so now I'm worried that I might be having mini seizures.

- My application is due November 1st.  I still haven't written my essay.  In fact, I'm still not quite sure what to write about -_-"

- I had a nightmare that I missed Halloween.  That's right, I was so busy with college stuff that I didn't have to time to finish my costume.  And since my costume isn't finished yet, missing Halloween has actually become a very real fear...

- Since I'm applying Early Admission for a lot of colleges, I'll be getting my decisions soon.  Like around December.  Willamette University is one of my top colleges this year, so I'm really worried about not getting in.  To be quite honest I thought it was kind of a long shot anyway, but then they sent me their Leadership Application.  As in, they sent me about three emails concerning it and also one letter via snail mail.  Obviously I was totally thrilled that one of my top colleges took a special interest in me!  They inviting me to fill out this uber special application with tons of benefits, and wrote me a personal letter saying that they think I have "outstanding potential and would be a great asset to the Willimette community."  So assuming that they're going to such lengths, that means I'm pretty likely to get in, right?  On the other hand, I'm scared of getting my hopes up only to have them reject me.  So even though getting this super special treatment should have made me feel more confident, now I'm even more scared than ever of getting rejected!



I can't stop thinking about all these things, so now I can't sleep -_-"  Which sucks, because I have to wake up early for the ACT tomorrow.  I'm actually waiting for the aspirin to kick in right now (aspirin works like a sleeping pill for me).  The usual two weren't working so I took three.  At which point I became terrified that I might die or something.  So I looked it up online and it turns out that it's not a big deal.  Haha...well, at least that's one less thing to worry about :)

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College Confidential: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

So I was doing a Google search just now and found a blog post titled "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of College Confidential."  (You can read it here.)

After reading the post, it occurred to me that I too haven't posted in a while on College Confidential.  Which is kind of funny, really; I was addicted to it senior year.  After I got rejected from Wellesley EE, I stopped posting almost entirely.

Anyway, reading Admissions_Daniel's post about College Confidential inspired me to write my own good, bad, and ugly post about CC.  So here it is!

The Good
I will admit it, College Confidential is a great place to meet like minded people.  If you want to connect with people who might be your future classmates, or share your interest in a certain college, or stress together about the ACT (which can actually make it less stressful) then this is your place to go.  It can also be great if you want student's opinions on a college (just remember to take everything with a shovelful of salt, lol).

College Confidential is like the Facebook for stressed out, prospective high school valedictorians who are too busy studying to use Facebook, lol.


The Bad
Let's face it: everyone on College Confidential is a super genius valedictorian.  Those who aren't are lying about it and pretending they are (unless, of course, they wanted to experience the grief I did on a regular basis...please see "The Ugly.")

Everyone takes at least 6 APs throughout high school.  Everyone has at least a 3.6 GPA.  People say things like "OMG I only got a 34 on the ACT and now my life is over."  They also have 500+ hours of volunteer experience, are AP scholars, typically have at least three leadership positions, and are also part of around five different clubs.  Oh yeah, and let's not forget about all that work experience, internships, and ground breaking research they all did.  And the numerous awards.  Did I mention those?

In fact, I'm currently looking at a post right now titled "What's currently your lowest grade?"  People on here are putting things between the B+ and A- range.  Someone is fretting about the 90% he/she is currently making in a class.  Another person is "really worried" about the 94% he/she is currently receiving in history.

Yeah..am I the only one seeing a problem with this?  Seriously, dude, I would kill someone, sell all my possessions, and move to the middle of the desert if it got me 94% in all my classes.

Point is, College Confidential can be a real self-esteem crusher, especially when you realize that you are competing with these people at admission into a top college.  This leads me to...


The Ugly
Did I say College Confidential can crush your self-esteem?  Well, that's definitely the understatement of the year.  Because you see, if you have anything less than a 3.6 UW GPA on College Confidential, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  You probably have a learning disability.  It will be a complete miracle if you get accepted at any college.  And yes, people will actually tell you these things.

I am serious, on College Confidential people can be stuck up to just plain insulting.  And these people are definitely the majority.  Sometimes you honestly wonder if some of these people are just trying to crush their competition.

My God, you would be shocked to know the kind of comments I got on things.  People would call me an idiot for even trying for some of my colleges.  One person said that due to the lack of my AP classes I lacked motivation and was afraid of hard work (which I found incredibly insulting; I may not have taken 5 APs each semester, but I typically spent at least 10-12 hours studying and doing homework every freaking day.)

Are you aware that there was once an entire thread on how stupid "college prep" kids were?  I believe the OP said something like, "I know this sounds mean, but don't you think the kids at your school who take only college prep courses are kind of stupid?"  Seriously, there was an entire thread about this.  I think one or two people may have disagreed with the OP, but the overwhelming majority agreed with him.  I'm unaware if this thread still exists, but even if it doesn't I can almost guarantee that you could find something incredibly similar.

In conclusion, there is an overwhelming amount of stuck-up snobs who would like nothing more than to insult you nonstop if you give them the chance.

In all due fairness, I sometimes wonder if the people on CC are really as smart as they say.  Trust me, if I had known the grief people would give me for my test scores and GPA, I never would have admitted to them.  This leads me to wonder if people are actually "in the closet" when it comes to academics, resorting to lying about their GPA and test scores to avoid being picked on.

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Here We Go Again -_-"

It's that time of the year again.  You know, that horrible time of the year when we're all driven by terror.  No, it's not Halloween.

Welcome again, everyone, to...THE COLLEGE APPLICATION SEASON *da da DUM*.

I thought things would be easier this year.  Yes, and no.  I decided to apply Early Admission (non-binding) to a lot of my colleges.  Also, I'm applying to 19 colleges as to avoid what happened last time.

Upside: I have increased chances of getting in to a good college.  Also, I'll find out whether or not I got accepted by December-February for a quite a few ^^

Downside: I have so many things to do I feel like I'm loosing my mind.

Please click for a larger image.

So in conclusion, I don't get ANYTHING done because I'm too busy thinking of all the things that NEED to be done.  Like I already have problems focusing, you know?  Now I really can't think!

Also, based on Ex-BF's encouragement, I decided to apply to Chapman University's studio art program.  Which requires an art portfolio.  And...oh yeah...I can't draw -_-"  Seriously, I have no idea why I'm even putting myself through this.  I'm always saying how art is probably the most useless major under the sun.  Now I'm applying to double major in philosophy and studio art.  I am currently questioning my sanity.

I guess it's just the difference between passion and practicality.  I've spent so long trying to impress everyone that it feels like I've lost sight of what I want.  Drawing is something I loved but stopped doing in high school due to academic responsibilities.  Now I kinda feel like, "F*** you, colleges!  I spent years trying to impress you guys, and you rejected me?"  Which makes makes me want to pursue something meaningless that I enjoy instead of something practical that will impress future employers.  Unfortunately, majoring in something like art is likely to not be the best decision in the long run, so it seems like a good idea to double major.

Philosophy currently seems like a good idea because (1) it seems like it would compliment art well, and (2) it opens up numerous doors for graduate school (such as business, law, etc.)

So, if I majored in both philosophy and art, I could not only pursue something I love but I could also go to law school and be a lawyer.  Which is AWE-SOME :)  Lawyers are prestigious and make lots of mullah.  Oh yeah, and they're powerful.  To me, that seems like a great reason to choose any job, lol.

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If I Was in Harry Potter

When I was 13, I was a huge Harry Potter fan.  I've often wondered what type of person I would be if I was a character in the magical world of Hogwarts.  So today I decided to take a quiz to find out.

Personally I always thought I'd be in Ravenclaw.  But no.  After taking a few psychological tests, the houses I scored highest in were actually Gryffindor and Slytherin, which I actually tied for -_-"

I got Gryffindor because I'm impulsive, stubborn, and prideful.  Then I read why I tied for Slytherin.  And, as much as I hate to admit it, Slytherin actually probably fits me better.  According to the quiz, Slytherins are determined, cunning, ambitious, passive-aggressive, and constantly driven to succeed.

This has somewhat changed my view of what I would be like if I was a character in Harry Potter.

So, if I was a character at Hogwarts, I guess I'd be part of Slytherin then.  Because I'm so driven by grades and such, I'd most definitely be Hermione's rival and top competitor.  In real life I feel even more of a drive to succeed because I'm first gen, so if I was in Harry Potter that might translate into being a Muggle born/halfblood.  Which, if anything, would make me feel a bit disconnected from my house.  Because we shared a common bond, it's probable that Hermione and I might become friendly rivals after a while.  I'd also try to make "connections" outside of my house that I might see as being beneficial in the long run.  I'd definitely be one of those characters that is often distrusted by everyone because no one knows what side I'm really on.

Oh yeah, and I'd also probably be having one of those scandalous teacher-student relationships with Professor Snape.  Because he's quite good looking and has always been my favorite character :)

OMG look at DAT FACE!!!!!

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Kickass Moms with Guns!

Today I was very depressed because it was Ex-BF's birthday.  It makes me miss him more...mainly because I can't help but think about him.  So after work today, in hopes of cheering myself up, I went to the theater to see Frankenweenie and Resident Evil: Retribution (both in 3D!)

- Frankenweenie wasn't as good as I expected.  (Also, there were no 3D moments at all, meaning I paid an extra $3 for NOTHING!)  I really had high expectations for this movie.  Tim Burton, if you are reading this, please know I am a HUGE fan of yours.  I have watched almost all your movies and some of them are even my favorite movies of all time.  That being said, I know you could have done better on this movie.

- Resident Evil: Retribution had everything Frankenweenie was lacking: action, explosions, fire, guns, 3D moments, martial arts, movie didn't seem to drag so much, did I mention fire and explosives?  Yep, the new Resident Evil movie had it all...except for good acting, good casting, and an actual plot.

Okay, maybe it's because I've never seen a Resident Evil movie before.  Maybe it was because it was a sequel to a previous Resident Evil film.  Or perhaps my negative opinion is due to the fact that I went mainly to see Leon (because he is totally HOT!) and the actor playing Leon looked nothing like him, which I found incredibly disappointing.  (Seriously, I have seen better amateur cosplay than the actor playing Leon.)

Whatever the case, I wasn't impressed.

First off, the entire 95 minute movie consisted of them trying to get out of the Umbrella corporation headquarters.  So basically, THERE WAS NO PLOT.  I kept expecting them to get out of Umbrella and was sure the movie would get to the point soon, but no...the entire movie consisted of "let's get out of Umbrella headquarters while shooting as many zombies as possible."  In fact, it was a lot like watching a video game with levels.  Okay, we just got through a simulation of New York.  Onwards to Moscow, with new, more tougher zombies to defeat!

And the acting, especially in some parts, was simply terrible.  It was such terrible, over-the-top acting in some parts that it was actually comparable to the original Twilight movie (I can't speak for the rest of the Twilight films as I haven't seen them.)

Moreover, what is with bad ass women in movies suddenly becoming moms?

LOL, that may seem pretty random, but this the second bloody action film I've seen in the past year with that scenario.  First there was Underworld: Awakening.  Then there was Resident Evil: Retribution.  Personally I find it kind of ridiculous.  In a bloody, nonstop action film, there is little room for loving mother-daughter relationships.  I'm sure the people making these films probably meant well, but because of the genre of the film, instead of illustrating a mother and daughter bonding, it's kind of like:

Although I do have to admit that Underworld did a considerably better job at pulling this off compared to Resident Evil.

Selene: Whoa, this girl is apparently my daughter and it's...kind of weird.
However, I can't leave a child here!
*Later on in film*
Even though I feel very little affection for my daughter, I must rescue her as she is our only hope of survival!

Alice: It looks like this girl is the supposed daughter of my alternate reality clone.
Hmmm, she thinks I'm her mom...
OMG I AM TOUCHED BY THIS!
OBVIOUSLY I AM HER MOTHER AND SHALL PROTECT HER WITH MY LIFE!!!!!

Uh, yeah...you see the problem with this, right?  Suddenly Alice meets a little girl who thinks Alice is her mother.  Then suddenly Alice decides to risk everything to protect this young girl.  And right after they meet, the suddenly share this mother-daughter bond that formed INSTANTLY even though Alice has never met her before.  Can you say weird?

Also, apparently Alice can speak sign language.  Not sure if this was mentioned in any previous films as I haven't seen them, but it seems rather unlikely.  So I'm assuming she instantly learned sign language...which probably happened about the same time that she formed an instant bond with her clone's daughter.

As for the daughter, she's either in total shock or really stupid.  Seriously, she's deaf, not blind.  Her mother (Alice's clone) had blond hair.  Alice has black hair.  Her mother looked like, well, a mom.  Alice is wearing a kick ass leather suit and is carrying around a machine gun.  Also Alice knows karate and is a zombie killer.  Apparently Becky has some memories of her mother...enough where she should know that Alice is very obviously not her mom.

In all fairness, Resident Evil: Retribution was awesome if you want to see bullets, rockets, axes, blades, and blood come flying at you in 3D.  If you're looking for something with good acting or a plot, then look elsewhere.  Underworld had a better plot than this, and that's sad.  And if, like me, you're going merely to see Leon S. Kennedy, you should probably go see something else.

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Hidden Meanings in Songs

Last night I was watching some old music videos on Youtube and remembered some crazy things I've heard about hidden meanings in songs.

For instance, I've heard that "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" was intentionally given that name because it's actually an acronym for LSD.  Yep, apparently the Beatles were purposely advertising that they were high on LSD when they wrote that song.  As if it wasn't obvious enough based on the lyrics -_-"

And then there's "Turning Japanese," which is actually supposed to be about masturbation.  No idea where that one came from.  It seems like a pretty random, meaningless song to me.

Personally, I think these theories are a bunch of BS.  People just like to try to find connections between things, whether or not those connections actually exist.  I mean, let's look at this from a logical standpoint.  Majority of bands from back then were totally high when they wrote songs.  Has anyone ever thought that maybe these songs have absolutely no meaning whatsoever and are just the result of powerful psychedelic drugs?

Of course, there are songs that really do have pretty explicit meanings.  How come no one talks about these songs?  Like "California Gurls."   I mean, based on the context and the explicit hand gestures I saw on the music awards, "melt your popsicle" really only has one meaning.

That vocaloid song "Never!" also comes to mind.  I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure "natto" has a sexual meaning there.

And let's not forget "She Sings the Mourning" by the Coral.  "Sister certain, wrapped in rags."  "...temptress eyes, cuts right through the family ties."  "Salem's sight invites incest."  This is very obviously about incest.  I mean, it says it in the song.  You can't get more obvious than that.

Not like I think anything's wrong with incest.  As long as it's consensual and stuff it really doesn't bother me.  HARU X SORA 4EVER!!!!!!!!!  lol.  But seriously, I don't see a problem with it.  I say as long as no one's getting hurt, it's none of my business what you're doing behind closed doors.

Oh, by the way, since we're talking about it now, who's you're favorite anime couple?  Please put in comments :)

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Darkrooms are Romantic?

So I was watching Parenthood tonight because I wanted to spend some time with my mom and little sister (they're big fans of the show).

I saw the preview for next week's episode, and Sarah is apparently going to kiss the weird photographer guy.  (Big surprise there...I believe Sarah has made out with every male on the TV show who is not directly related to her.)

Anyway, it struck me as odd because they kiss in a darkroom.  You know, where you develop photos?  And to be quite honest, I've never really thought of darkrooms as romantic.  If anything I've always thought darkrooms were a little bit creepy.

To me, a darkroom kind of resembles the torture chamber of a mad scientist.  It's not exactly on my list of Top Places for Romantic Moments.  I'm assuming some people find darkrooms romantic, but if someone tried to kiss me in a darkroom, I'd inadvertently read it as, "Whoa, this place looks like a mad scientist's torture chamber and it's totally turning me on!  Let's make out!"  And that would really creep me out.

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I Don't "Do" Sadness

I'm terrible at dealing with sadness.

Hmmm, perhaps I should rephrase that.  Thing is, I don't "do" sadness.  My idea of dealing with sadness is:

Sometimes it feels like my entire life is a lie.

Last night I woke up at 5AM and just started to cry.  I always act like I have it together, but the truth is I can't deal with change or loss or sadness at all.  And I can't deal with this.  Ex-BF was one of the few things in my life that felt really stable, which is ironic, considering how rocky our relationship always was.  But I always felt that no matter what happened, he'd definitely be there.  And now he's just not, you know?  When I drive by it's an empty house.  It's going to be redone soon; a few months from now it probably won't even be recognizable.


*Pause* You know, back when I was younger, I always thought I'd have the perfect life someday.  That anything could be achieved if I tried really, really hard.  A few years ago I actually did a time capsule thing, where I wrote a letter for my future self to read.  Last month I read it.  It was quite depressing, because nothing I wanted to happen came true.  By now I was supposed to be engaged to Ex-BF and going to a prestigious college.  Funny how all that turned out.


To be quite honest I always thought Ex-BF and I would get back together someday.  And now he's just...gone.  It makes everything seem so final.  Which makes me feel depressed.

Haha, sorry if this seems like a depressing post today.  Even I can't be happy all the time.

Truth is, since I don't do sadness, I take it really hard.  Here's a step-by-step process of how I go through the grieving process:

How I "Don't Do" Sadness
Stage 1: Pity
Spend the first few days pitying myself and crying on and off.  Become irritated that I won't stop crying.  Pity myself for crying.  Finally decide to clean myself up and go out, because no matter what happens I refuse to cry in public in fear of ruining my image.  Go out every spare moment that I am not crying.
Stage 2: Denial
Keeping up my so-called image goes to my head.  Decide that if I continue to act happy, my sadness shall magically wither up and die.  Continually deny that there is a problem.  This stage lasts from anywhere between a couple of days to a week.
Stage 3: Workaholic-ism
Denying my sadness makes me feel more sad.  Decide I must do something immediately to get my mind off of my problems.  Spend every waking moment (and I do mean EVERY waking moment) doing something: a project, homework, studying for a test, anything.  For the first few days occasionally skip meals and showers as I do not want to give myself any chance to cry or pity myself.  Continue working nonstop until I achieve a big goal.
Stage 4: Having Fun
My achievement goes to my head.  Silently compliment my geniusness and decide to reward myself by doing something fun.  Continue being a workaholic (since I'm naturally one anyway), but take time to reward myself with fun activities.  One day a fun activity randomly reminds me of my problem.  Go back to Stage 1 and go through the 4 stages again.
Stage 5: Numbness
After going through the previous 4 stages numerous times, eventually go on to Stage 5.  When a fun activity reminds me of my problem, I feel nothing at all except this kind of numbness.  Wonder why I feel nothing and silently question if I am still human.  Come to the conclusion that I would rather feel nothing than be drowning in my own tears and snot.

Typically it's a pretty long process that lasts about 3-6 months.  Yeah, I take it pretty hard.  Thankfully I don't feel sad that often, although these past couple of years have been hell.  First Ex-BF breaks up with me on the most important day of the year, then I get rejected from all the colleges I wanted to go to, then Ex-BF moves.  I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now.

Bad things happen in threes, so let's hope it's uphill from here, okay?  Fingers crossed!

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