I Don't "Do" Sadness

I'm terrible at dealing with sadness.

Hmmm, perhaps I should rephrase that.  Thing is, I don't "do" sadness.  My idea of dealing with sadness is:

Sometimes it feels like my entire life is a lie.

Last night I woke up at 5AM and just started to cry.  I always act like I have it together, but the truth is I can't deal with change or loss or sadness at all.  And I can't deal with this.  Ex-BF was one of the few things in my life that felt really stable, which is ironic, considering how rocky our relationship always was.  But I always felt that no matter what happened, he'd definitely be there.  And now he's just not, you know?  When I drive by it's an empty house.  It's going to be redone soon; a few months from now it probably won't even be recognizable.


*Pause* You know, back when I was younger, I always thought I'd have the perfect life someday.  That anything could be achieved if I tried really, really hard.  A few years ago I actually did a time capsule thing, where I wrote a letter for my future self to read.  Last month I read it.  It was quite depressing, because nothing I wanted to happen came true.  By now I was supposed to be engaged to Ex-BF and going to a prestigious college.  Funny how all that turned out.


To be quite honest I always thought Ex-BF and I would get back together someday.  And now he's just...gone.  It makes everything seem so final.  Which makes me feel depressed.

Haha, sorry if this seems like a depressing post today.  Even I can't be happy all the time.

Truth is, since I don't do sadness, I take it really hard.  Here's a step-by-step process of how I go through the grieving process:

How I "Don't Do" Sadness
Stage 1: Pity
Spend the first few days pitying myself and crying on and off.  Become irritated that I won't stop crying.  Pity myself for crying.  Finally decide to clean myself up and go out, because no matter what happens I refuse to cry in public in fear of ruining my image.  Go out every spare moment that I am not crying.
Stage 2: Denial
Keeping up my so-called image goes to my head.  Decide that if I continue to act happy, my sadness shall magically wither up and die.  Continually deny that there is a problem.  This stage lasts from anywhere between a couple of days to a week.
Stage 3: Workaholic-ism
Denying my sadness makes me feel more sad.  Decide I must do something immediately to get my mind off of my problems.  Spend every waking moment (and I do mean EVERY waking moment) doing something: a project, homework, studying for a test, anything.  For the first few days occasionally skip meals and showers as I do not want to give myself any chance to cry or pity myself.  Continue working nonstop until I achieve a big goal.
Stage 4: Having Fun
My achievement goes to my head.  Silently compliment my geniusness and decide to reward myself by doing something fun.  Continue being a workaholic (since I'm naturally one anyway), but take time to reward myself with fun activities.  One day a fun activity randomly reminds me of my problem.  Go back to Stage 1 and go through the 4 stages again.
Stage 5: Numbness
After going through the previous 4 stages numerous times, eventually go on to Stage 5.  When a fun activity reminds me of my problem, I feel nothing at all except this kind of numbness.  Wonder why I feel nothing and silently question if I am still human.  Come to the conclusion that I would rather feel nothing than be drowning in my own tears and snot.

Typically it's a pretty long process that lasts about 3-6 months.  Yeah, I take it pretty hard.  Thankfully I don't feel sad that often, although these past couple of years have been hell.  First Ex-BF breaks up with me on the most important day of the year, then I get rejected from all the colleges I wanted to go to, then Ex-BF moves.  I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now.

Bad things happen in threes, so let's hope it's uphill from here, okay?  Fingers crossed!