Applying to College Should Be a Horror Movie

They should make a movie on the horrors of applying to college.  Trust me, "Halloween" would hold nothing against a movie on a senior about to apply to college.

Why do I say that?  Because, more often than not, very troubling thoughts race through my head.  In fact, right now I'm thinking:

• Oh my GODDDDD I only got a 32 on the grammar portion of the ACT!!!  Not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES...IN A ROW!!!  Seriously, is this divine intervention or something?!?!?!  What are the chances of me getting EXACTLY 5 QUESTIONS WRONG ON THREE DIFFERENT PRACTICE TESTS?!?!?!  IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!?!  (Evidently so.)  Not to mention that grammar is my best subject!!!  How am I supposed to get a 34+ on the ACT when I am getting only 32 on my best subject?!  Math is my worst subject...so if I'm only getting 32 on my best subject, what am I going to get on math?!?!?  *Mournful moan*


• THIS AP STATS HOMEWORK IS KILLING ME!!!  My college Japanese class is actually LESS WORK than my AP Stats class!  Arrrrgh!


• I have a painting due for art...AND I CAN'T PAINT!!!!!!


• I'll only be graduating with a 3.5 WEIGHTED GPA.  How am I supposed to get accepted at the best all-girl's school in the country with only a 3.5 GPA?!?!?!  And the fact that I'm only getting a 32 on my best ACT subject certainly isn't helping the matter...well, I guess a lot is going to depend on my college essay...


• OH NOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO WRITE FOR MY COLLEGE ESSAY!!!!!  I have absolutely no significant experiences whatsoever!!!  My most significant experience was when my boyfriend dumped me, and that's not even good significant!  Seriously, I rarely even leave my house, so how am I supposed to even HAVE a significant life experience?  Are those things common by age 17?

After coming to terms with all these troubling facts, I often end up kneeling on the floor with the word "DOOM" over my head, as a hollow "bong" rings once in the background.

Not really.  But figuratively speaking, it certainly does feel like that sometimes.

You know, I once went to this poetry reading at my boyfriend's high school.  When he was in high school.  This one guy of Asian descent (a senior, I believe) wrote a poem about the torture of writing his college essay.  At the time, I was young and innocent and had never heard of this dreaded thing called a "college essay" (God, I long for those carefree days).  However, I now understand his pain.  There is nothing...NOTHING...more painful than the brainstorming and writing of the dreaded COLLEGE ESSAY *da da dum*

*Pause*  Well, except for maybe when your boyfriend is sleeping with your only other friend in the world besides for him, and then he proceeds to dump you on the most important day of the year after brutally insulting you and telling you that you will never accomplish anything worthwhile in life...but let's not even go there, shall we?

Anyway, back to my college essay.  I have been racking and racking my brain, and so far I still have no ideas.  Significant experiences?  None.  Things that I'm passionate about?  Well, I'm not really hardcore PASSIONATE about anything.  What makes me different from other applicants?  Well, for starters, they've probably all had significant life-changing experiences by now.

Hey, do you think colleges would accept me if I wrote an essay about my complete LACK of significant life-changing experiences?  Yeah, it'd definitely be unique.  On the other hand, I'm not quite sure if the college admission people would see significance in an essay about someone with a complete lack of significant experiences.

I suppose I could still always write about how my boyfriend dumped me, if worse comes to worst.  At least I learned something from that experience: as a general statement, guys are egocentric cretins unless proven to be otherwise.  (No offense intended.)  *Pause* Somehow, I'm not sure colleges will go for my conclusion.  Especially if it's a guy that is reading my essay.

DAMN IT IT'S SO HARRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!   Coming up with an essay idea sucks!  I have problems just coming up with ideas for personal narratives for school!  And now my fate hangs in the balance of a personal narrative!  It will make or break me!  It will change my life for better or for worse!  (But no pressure, right?)

Anyway, I guess I should probably get back to brainstorming.  Geez, I should write my college essay about how HARD it is to write a college essay.  Surely this counts as a significant challenge in life , grrrr...